This post will cover behaviors a therapist should not have and that you should avoid to help find a good therapist.
2)Unorganized and Sloppy Offices
3)Knowing and Implementing the Methods and Processes
6)Identifying Skills and Cultural Mismatches in Therapists
Excellence and integrity vary across every profession, and therapy is no exception.
Therapists, like any practitioners, bring their own strengths, limitations, and perspectives into the room.
Recognizing when a therapeutic relationship is not aligned with your growth is a vital act of sovereignty.
Below are several signs to be aware of that may indicate it’s time to reassess your choice of therapist and realign with one who fully supports your healing journey.
1) Suggesting Solutions; Find a New Therapist
One of the main things to look out for is a therapist who tells you the solution to your problem. Sometimes, they’ll even go as far as telling you what to say and tell you what to think. The goal in counseling is to help create solutions. This is important when consoling someone to avoid putting your bias on something. Providing a solution to someone too early may also stall hearing the rest of the situation going on. If a therapist is telling you what to think or say, reflect on these situations. Make sure these actions are suggestions that are helping you to explore and not outright advice on what to do. Everyone’s situation is different; what could be a great solution for someone else might be dangerous for you.
Creating the Solution
The thing about someone else’s solution is that you are more likely to try something that you believe will work. A session explores the situation and the dynamics involved. Then there should be a collaborative process to determine what steps to take. Not something like, you should have a conversation with your dad because this is ok to talk about. A better example would be the therapist asking what would happen if you had a conversation with your dad? It’s not advice but a question to start exploring solutions and what might work. In this case a method of getting to know Dad’s personality type better. Knowing the personalities better in the situation will help you both find the best solution.
Psychology tools and practices that are collaborative solutions are different than advice. These are methods that the psychological industry has studied and developed and found to benefit people in adding stability in their lives. These would be cognitive behavioral practices or methods like cognitive awareness or tapping therapy. These would suggest modalities or processes for reaching solutions, not the solution itself.
Stay away from a therapist who provides advice.
2) Unorganized and Sloppy Offices
If the therapist is sloppy and unorganized during the session, this wastes time. When a therapist is unprepared and unorganized they are more rushed, this creates anxiety. In a therapy session, organization and process provide structure and stability. This is particularly important if the situations you want to bring up are chaotic, trying to discuss those situations in an unorganized environment might make things harder.
There are also certain therapies that utilize tools and some setup. An unorganized office wastes appointment time. There might be pressure to stay with a therapist to utilize insurance and go with a therapist who is in your network. If they are not a good fit, research other options. The online space has opened up additional access with platforms like BetterHelp. You might even qualify for financial aid.
3) Knowing and Implementing the Methods and Processes
With different types of therapy modalities some therapists might not follow the real process. EMDR is a good example of a modality that utilizes tools and process. As with any other profession there are some that will be better than others. While there are some therapists that are better for you. When progress is slow research the modality types. Not everyone knows how to follow a process or has experience that indicates they know a better way.
EMDR implementation can vary. With this watch area, it takes some background knowledge to identify, but there are other ways to do this.
First, people have an innate sense to determine when something is off or wrong. FBI agents actually talk about this all the time from the hundreds of interviews they have done while investigating crimes. “99%” of people interviewed after a crime stated that something seemed off or not right. Do not ignore your instincts.
The second way to notice a lack of method would be to reflect on your progress from when you started you started the therapy. Ask these question below to help find a therapist.
Q1) Where were you’re at, and how you feel about the topic you are resolving?
Q2) Do you have confidence in the method being used?
Q3) Are you on track to get the results you are after?
If these questions bring up some uncertainties, there is also an option to ask people with some experience in the area if it is normal. Hopefully, you’ve got a close friend with some therapy experience to discuss things with, but there’s also the internet. In this case, the internet also helps provide anonymity, and many people are ready to provide opinions online.
4) Inappropriate Comments and Delivery – Find a New Therapist
This one can sometimes be a shock — and may appear subtly during sessions where inappropriate or self-centered comments emerge.A therapist’s role is to expand a client’s perspective, which sometimes requires gentle challenge.
However, if a therapist shifts the conversation toward validating their own insight or superiority — rather than centering the client’s process — it can be a warning sign. For example, remarks that frame a client’s vulnerability as a personal flaw, rather than an opportunity for growth, can erode trust. In healing, communication is not just about the words spoken, but the energy behind them.
If a comment does not sit well — even if it sounds reasonable on the surface — it may be a signal to reassess whether the relationship fully supports your sovereignty and growth.
This tip can be nuanced. Here’s an example, say you are describing how you would tell yourself that life wasn’t that bad and that there were children in this world who were starving and homeless. This story is an absolute coping mechanism, but are also valid ways of keeping perspective. This survival mechanism you probably needed. Instead of identifying that you minimize life experiences and why they were necessary and appropriate then, the therapist instead presents the issue like you’re doing something wrong.
The way information is delivered can cause damage and create a lot of stress and self-doubt. Assess if it was a one off event or if there is a pattern in sessions. The latter type of delivery would have provided context and empowerment about navigating difficult situations at a young age and could have expanded into why this coping mechanism was no longer necessary. In this example the therapist misses building trust with the delivery of information.
5) Unwelcome Physical Contact
Learning to establish and protect personal boundaries is a critical part of the healing process — especially for those reclaiming sovereignty after trauma. Physical contact, such as handshakes or hugs, often carries unspoken cultural meaning. For some, these gestures feel normal and supportive; for others, they may feel invasive or unsafe.
In therapeutic environments, even well-intentioned physical gestures can create discomfort if they are not clearly consented to. Survivors of boundary violations may find it particularly challenging to say “no” or even to recognize when their comfort has been crossed. A sovereign healing relationship respects verbal and nonverbal boundaries without pressure or assumption.
As you explore therapeutic options, consider asking questions that clarify a therapist’s approach to personal space and consent. Your body is your own sacred ground — and any healing path you walk should honor that truth fully.
Q4) What types of contact would you be uncomfortable with from a therapist?
- Practice how you would say no.
Q5) Was this appropriate contact? Your instincts are probably accurate and there is always an option to ask friends.
Reminder: You do not need to explain why when defining a boundary. “No” is enough of an answer.
6) Identifying Skills and Culture Mismatches in Therapists
Two things to start the first appointment.
First, ask if they are taking or have taken therapy.
Second, Describe the issues you’ll be discussing.
If you are navigating sensitive healing areas — such as recovery from physical abuse, sexual violation, or spiritual trauma — it is essential to confirm that a therapist is equipped to hold space for those realities with the necessary respect, neutrality, and depth.
During an initial consultation, it is appropriate to inquire whether the therapist has experience supporting clients with specific forms of trauma, and to clearly express the importance of maintaining an open, non-prescriptive environment.
For instance, you might say:
“I’m looking for a therapeutic space where diverse life experiences are honored without being framed through a singular belief system or prescribed moral lens. Is that an approach you support?”
Establishing clarity at the outset helps ensure that the relationship remains rooted in true support, rather than assumptions, projections, or unspoken expectations.
Explore the questions below for additional ways to find a therapist aligned with your healing path.
Q6) What are the situations I want to talk about? (you can decide with the therapist on the order to address them)
Q7) What are beliefs or modalities that I would not consider as a part of my path?
Use the above questions to prepare and create awareness of situations. This will enable you to respond better by knowing what to do if you encounter any of these situations. When you encounter any of these situations you can handle them politely by just saying, “it isn’t really something I’m interested in.” These happen enough that it is worthwhile to take some time at the first appointment to make sure that you and your therapist are a good match and to take some reflection as therapy progresses on things that seem off. Remember that maybe a therapist fit was really good for the start of therapy, and later in sessions, you realize you’re coming to an impasse. It’s ok to move on; an impasse means stalled progress. Using these questions to be better prepared or aware of situations will enable you to respond better.
Additional Resources
If you are looking for additional information on how to find a therapist, wondering if your therapist is right for you, or looking to start therapy checkout the other two articles.
Six Tips to Make Starting Therapy Easy
Is Therapy Worth It? How to Get 110% Out of Therapy
While this article does not constitute clinical therapy or psychological advice, it offers insights drawn from a wide range of healing traditions and practical experience. Talk therapy offers valuable support for those ready to engage it — and can also be a strategic starting point for those utilizing insurance benefits to lessen initial costs.
Future articles will explore alternative healing modalities, somatic practices, and emerging science around trauma recovery, nervous system resilience, and energetic sovereignty. To stay connected with upcoming teachings and new offerings — including our soon-to-launch app — you are invited to join our private community, The Agora.
Every step you take to educate yourself, explore options, and invest in your healing strengthens the foundation of your sovereignty.
Your healing is not a matter of chance — it is a choice, and it is sacred.
Question Summary for How to Find a Therapist
Q1) Where were you’re at, and how you feel about the topic you are resolving?
Q2) Do you have confidence in the method being used?
Q3) Are you on track to get the results you are after?
Q4) What types of contact would you be uncomfortable with from a therapist?
- Practice how you would say no.
