This post will cover behaviors a therapist should not have and that you should avoid to help find a good therapist.
2)Unorganized and Sloppy Offices
3)Knowing and Implementing the Methods and Processes
6)Identifying Skills and Cultural Mismatches in Therapists
People who are not good at their jobs can happen in any profession, including teachers, managers, doctors, and therapists. Over the years, I have encountered some pretty bad therapists, unorganized therapists, and even therapists who provide advice. Below are some situations you might want to watch for to determine if it’s time to find a new therapist.
1) Suggesting Solutions; Find a New Therapist
One of the main things to look out for is a therapist who tells you the solution to your problem. Sometimes, they’ll even go as far as telling you what to say and tell you what to think. The goal in counseling is to help create solutions. This is important when consoling someone to avoid putting your bias on something. Providing a solution to someone too early may also stall hearing the rest of the situation going on. If a therapist is telling you what to think or say, reflect on these situations. Make sure these actions are suggestions that are helping you to explore and not outright advice on what to do. Everyone’s situation is different; what could be a great solution for someone else might be dangerous for you.
Creating the Solution
The thing about someone else’s solution is that you are more likely to try something that you believe will work. A session explores the situation and the dynamics involved. Then there should be a collaborative process to determine what steps to take. Not something like, you should have a conversation with your dad because this is ok to talk about. A better example would be the therapist asking what would happen if you had a conversation with your dad? It’s not advice but a question to start exploring solutions and what might work. In this case a method of getting to know Dad’s personality type better. Knowing the personalities better in the situation will help you both find the best solution.
Psychology tools and practices that are collaborative solutions are different than advice. These are methods that the psychological industry has studied and developed and found to benefit people in adding stability in their lives. These would be cognitive behavioral practices or methods like cognitive awareness or tapping therapy. These would suggest modalities or processes for reaching solutions, not the solution itself.
Stay away from a therapist who provides advice.
2) Unorganized and Sloppy Offices
If the therapist is sloppy and unorganized during the session, this wastes time. When a therapist is unprepared and unorganized they are more rushed, this creates anxiety. In a therapy session, organization and process provide structure and stability. This is particularly important if the situations you want to bring up are chaotic, trying to discuss those situations in an unorganized environment might make things harder.
There are also certain therapies that utilize tools and some setup. An unorganized office wastes appointment time. There might be pressure to stay with a therapist to utilize insurance and go with a therapist who is in your network. If they are not a good fit, research other options. The online space has opened up additional access with platforms like BetterHelp. You might even qualify for financial aid.
3) Knowing and Implementing the Methods and Processes
With different types of therapy modalities some therapists might not follow the real process. EMDR is a good example of a modality that utilizes tools and process. As with any other profession there are some that will be better than others. While there are some therapists that are better for you. When progress is slow research the modality types. Not everyone knows how to follow a process or has experience that indicates they know a better way.
EMDR implementation can vary. With this watch area, it takes some background knowledge to identify, but there are other ways to do this.
First, people have an innate sense to determine when something is off or wrong. FBI agents actually talk about this all the time from the hundreds of interviews they have done while investigating crimes. “99%” of people interviewed after a crime stated that something seemed off or not right. Do not ignore your instincts.
The second way to notice a lack of method would be to reflect on your progress from when you started you started the therapy. Ask these question below to help find a therapist.
Q1) Where were you’re at, and how you feel about the topic you are resolving?
Q2) Do you have confidence in the method being used?
Q3) Are you on track to get the results you are after?
If these questions bring up some uncertainties, there is also an option to ask people with some experience in the area if it is normal. Hopefully, you’ve got a close friend with some therapy experience to discuss things with, but there’s also the internet. In this case, the internet also helps provide anonymity, and many people are ready to provide opinions online.
4) Inappropriate Comments and Delivery – Find a New Therapist
This one might be a shocker and can be a little sly when inappropriate comments present themselves in a session. It is a therapist’s job to expand a client’s thinking, which can take a little push, but the example that comes to mind is, “You know what I know that says about you?” No, what? “That you minimize your problems.” While there was valid feedback to hear in this comment, the comment was really poorly delivered and more about telling me how good they were. There is more to communication than words if a comment does not sit well it might be time to look for your next therapist.
This tip can be nuanced. Here’s an example, say you are describing how you would tell yourself that life wasn’t that bad and that there were children in this world who were starving and homeless. This story is an absolute coping mechanism, but are also valid ways of keeping perspective. This survival mechanism you probably needed. Instead of identifying that you minimize life experiences and why they were necessary and appropriate then, the therapist instead presents the issue like you’re doing something wrong.
The way information is delivered can cause damage and create a lot of stress and self-doubt. Assess if it was a one off event or if there is a pattern in sessions. The latter type of delivery would have provided context and empowerment about navigating difficult situations at a young age and could have expanded into why this coping mechanism was no longer necessary. In this example the therapist misses building trust with the delivery of information.
5) Unwelcome Physical Contact
Has anyone every been taught not to hug people when they were young? I was and if you were I am sorry. I was told that my body was for me and god and that if men shook hands, so can “we.” This was clearly advice from a person who had been really traumatized, but I was four and said ok and went on in life to avoid hugs.
There might be pretty innocent gestures to help resolve physical trauma and to add in normal socializing behaviors. But if a therapist is a bit off base with reading the comfort level it can start to break trust or be an indicator that they are misjudging the progress. With surviving abuse, you might have a hard time saying no or to knowing when to say no and an innocent and well-intended suggestion in a professional space of the therapist and client, can make saying no even murkier. Explore the questions below to find a therapist.
Q4) What types of contact would you be uncomfortable with from a therapist?
- Practice how you would say no.
Q5) Was this appropriate contact? Your instincts are probably accurate and there is always an option to ask friends.
Reminder: You do not need to explain why when defining a boundary. “No” is enough of an answer.
6) Identifying Skills and Culture Mismatches in Therapists
Two things to start the first appointment.
First, ask if they are taking or have taken therapy.
Second, Describe the issues you’ll be discussing.
If you are dealing with severe physical abuse, sexual trauma, or spiritual abuse, for example. You could say I will be discussing situations of rape and date rape, and I have had some serious oppressive situations with Christianity (or whatever religious beliefs) are those situations you are comfortable working? Tell the therapist, “if were to provide a certain type of belief system as a solution and reasoning, that wouldn’t be something I’m looking for, so I’d like to be sure we’re a good fit.” This is just an example; explore the questions below for how to find a therapist.
Q6) What are the situations I want to talk about? (you can decide with the therapist on the order to address them)
Q7) What are beliefs or modalities that I would not consider as a part of my path?
Use the above questions to prepare and create awareness of situations. This will enable you to respond better by knowing what to do if you encounter any of these situations. When you encounter any of these situations you can handle them politely by just saying, “it isn’t really something I’m interested in.” These happen enough that it is worthwhile to take some time at the first appointment to make sure that you and your therapist are a good match and to take some reflection as therapy progresses on things that seem off. Remember that maybe a therapist fit was really good for the start of therapy, and later in sessions, you realize you’re coming to an impasse. It’s ok to move on; an impasse means stalled progress. Using these questions to be better prepared or aware of situations will enable you to respond better.
Additional Resources
If you are looking for additional information on how to find a therapist, wondering if your therapist is right for you, or looking to start therapy checkout the other two articles.
Six Tips to Make Starting Therapy Easy
Is Therapy Worth It? How to Get 110% Out of Therapy
I am not a psychologist or therapist but I have experience with various different types of healing modalities. Talk therapy has a few different flavors and offers good benefits for those that are ready. This is also a good option to help lesson some costs by utilizing benefits. Future articles will explore alternative modalities and expand on some of the science relevant to healing trauma.
You can always stay up to date by following us on socials. Or learn about new content that we are creating with our up coming app by joining our email list The Agora.
Congratulations on educating yourself and taking the time to investigate options to get the healing you deserve and I know you will find a therapist that is right for you.
Question Summary for How to Find a Therapist
Q1) Where were you’re at, and how you feel about the topic you are resolving?
Q2) Do you have confidence in the method being used?
Q3) Are you on track to get the results you are after?
Q4) What types of contact would you be uncomfortable with from a therapist?
- Practice how you would say no.
