Addiction to Abuse, The Desire for Positive Chaos

When writing the last article on chaos and comfort, another topic came to mind: the excitement of positive chaos. It became clear that the excitement of chaos is just as much a part of the return to abuse as comfort and familiarity.

Abusive relationships are scattered with a few good loving moments to get the relationship started or to keep the victim from leaving. It’s those moments that keep people trapped and ignoring the red flags. The desire for more positive extreme moments that can only come from a bit of positive chaos.

Bored Without Chaos

You are out of an abusive relationship and have a partner who shows up in loving but predictable ways. This is stability. This stability to the mind that has survived the chaos and predictability that comes with stability makes the relationship boring. Out of boredom, you end the relationship. It is such a sad paradigm, but I have experienced it a few times.

I felt bored without some chaos, aka excitement, in my world. Everything has layers, but for this article, the topic is an addiction to the excitement of chaos.

Q1) Have you ever caught yourself saying, “I get bored easy” or “that is so boring?”

Then, you might be addicted to the chaos and excitement of unstable, abusive relationships.

Positive Chaos, Those Moments

The comfort and chaos theory provides a great perspective on the human desire for control, but I think there is even more.

People crave and return to chaos not just out of comfort or familiarity but because they have experienced Those Moments. Those Moments were magical and could only occur from someone daring to do something different and bold. And for the moment that caught you off guard and was pleasantly surprising, you knew you had something that no one else in the world had, and it made life meaningful and magical. 

You return to that chaos in hopes of feeling that way again, waiting for Those Moments when life feels better than anywhere you have been before.

Then Those Moments don’t come because it was a tool to control you. As intended, it does. You wait months and years, and it doesn’t happen. Those Moments, the desire to feel the intense excitement in a loving moment, is why people return and stay. This is the emotional control. Not just out of fear or lack of independence but fear of only experiencing vanilla-style loving moments. Loving moments that everyone has and that aren’t special and no matter how sweet, lack excitement and are … boring.

Positive Chaos and Happy Stress

I used to call myself an adrenaline junkie (before Instagram and YouTube took off and I saw real adrenaline junkies) and not give it any second thought. I loved the moments that provided a rush of excitement and adrenaline.

Adrenaline is a hormone the adrenals produce when the body experiences stress. The important point about stress is that it is also experienced during positive chaos or positive moments. The body experiences moments of excitement as stress and has similar bodily functions to negative, stressful moments like the production of adrenaline. Some quick research reveals that the concept of positive stress has been around for a long time and has a name: eustress.

Chaos offers a sense of surprise, and when it’s a bit dangerous, the body feels the rush of adrenaline. Fun moments in relationships, when you might be just outside your comfort zone, provide this same adrenaline rush. These are The Moments that the victims find themselves enduring abuse to experience again.

Improvement Pill explains some of this rationale in an example date and how activities on a first date can create a strong bond (minute 11:00). This is because one of the strongest bonds between humans is created during states of elevated emotion. Combine this concept with the hormone adrenaline, and a desire or addiction for The Moments takes form.

Trauma Driven Adrenaline Behaviors

Building on the examples in the article “The Familiarity of Chaos, Stop Choosing Abuse,” hobbies with risks, like mountain biking, surfing, and flying, can provide this. As can careers with a bit of danger, like piloting, firefighting, and any other job with the potential for chaos. Once out of an abusive relationship, it is not uncommon to find “reckless” behavior or practice of extreme sports it careers in trauma survivors.

Q2) Are any of your hobbies or career choices driven by a desire for excitement?

Those Moments of Positive Chaos

Those moments are what keep people trapped in abuse and downplaying the negative experiences.

The desire for Thoee Moments and to feel special and excited is why victims return or stay in abusive relationships.

The high of adrenaline in Those Moments is why survivors take to extreme sports and risky careers. They organize their lives not around activities where positive, chaotic opportunities have a higher probability